Poignant Moments

I had a turbulent relationship with my father. It would have been easier on me if he had been all bad or all wrong. No one is, though, and the more I have practiced compassion in my life, the more I have been able to think about my dad with benevolent thoughts.

I frequently ponder about the moments in our life when he would say something that felt truly transformative for me. They were sentences that have sustained me through the years.

The first moment came when I was a very young child. At that time in my life, I had an imaginary friend that was a momma grizzly bear. I was somewhat afraid of her.

I was thinking about this grizzly bear as my dad and I walked the path from our mailbox to our home. The road went through thick woods, and that walk frequently made me nervous. With the thought of a bear in mind, I was worried that I would lose the race if one were to suddenly jump out and start chasing us.

Therefore, I asked my dad if he thought I would be able to run faster than him if a bear were to start chasing us. He looked at my small body and said, "I would carry you and run if a bear were chasing us." I've always remembered that moment, because I think that's the type of father that he wanted to be. It's one of the memories that allows me to keep compassion for him.

Then, I remember when I was a teenager learning how to drive a car. From the passenger seat, and I'm sure he was getting a little motion sick from my wobbly driving, he recognized that I wasn't maintaining steady travel because I was looking to0 close to the front of the car. Instead of being gruff, that time, he simply told me what to do to be a better driver.

He said that I needed to look a little farther down the road to make my trip smoother. That moment has always felt very poetic to me: looking farther down the road provides a broader view and helps avoid trouble. Keeping a broader perspective and open mind prevents troubles on the road of life.

One of the last memories of him talking to me was after Aidan was born, and I was pregnant with Alafair. We were waiting outside of my grandmother's house, in San Antonio, for an ambulance to take him to the hospital. While he stood on the curb waiting, he told me, "Don't get like this--it sucks." I usually thought that my dad liked all the attention he received from being sick and able to make people cater to him. But, in that moment, it truly felt like he was saying something to protect me from becoming what he had allowed himself to become.

With each of those memories, I have kept his words close to my heart. He wasn't trying to be inspirational, but they were poignant moments that have permanently affected my character. They've helped me live a more balanced life than I would have without them, and their messages have reappeared as I have raised my babies, practiced a yogic lifestyle, and learned new hobbies.